being sick is doing wonders for my writing. just kidding.

There are many profound questions that I ask myself on a daily basis. What am I going to do with myself in the future? What is the meaning of life? And, most importantly, what is the proper way to sneeze?

I’ve been given many responses in my extensive time here on earth. But so far, none of them have been satisfactory.

The first option was never told to me; it was really more intuitive. I’m talking, of course, about the free-flying approach. In this scenario, the offending sneezer simply lets loose and releases the sneeze at its full 100mph without obstruction. This method is not socially acceptable because a] it is very loud, b] the accompanying facial expressions are never pretty, and c] people don’t like to have spit/snot flung in their faces. I learned pretty quickly that this choice would brand me a social pariah.

The next option is the catcher’s mitt. Instead of letting the sneeze particles run amuk, the offending sneezer may use his or her hand (or both hands, for the more advanced sneezer) as an attempt to “catch” the sneeze. Impeding the sneeze’s trajectory is a good idea, but the problem with these message emerges post-sneeze. What am I supposed to do with the spittle in my hands? Wipe them on something/someone? Close them awkwardly until I have the opportunity to wash them? This method only makes me ask more questions, so I can be sure that it is not the answer.

The catcher’s mitt can be modified to include a tissue, but there are a few problems with this option as well. For starters, I don’t always have tissues on hand. Also, like the original catcher’s mitt, using the modified catcher’s mitt creates new problems. What is the socially acceptable placement of the tissue post-sneeze? I know that a trash receptacle is ideal, but I do not have the luxury of always being surrounded by garbage cans. So what should I do? Hold it in my hand? Put in my purse or the pocket of my grandpa cardigan. I feel like, no matter what I choose, I am set up for failure and for feeling gross.

The method that I use the most appeals to me purely because of its name. I like to call this method the Dracula sneeze because it involves sneezing into the nook of one’s bent elbow, mimicking the way in which vampires peer seductively from behind their capes. Bonus points if you maintain sexy eye contact with someone while sneezing. Even though I use this method the most, I don’t think it’s necessarily effective. Sure, it keeps the hands spittle free. But I think of it as a glorified version of the first technique. Therefore, I still feel guilty about using it. But, since it is called the Dracula sneeze, I do it anyways. Resistance to the Dracula is futile.