05 March 2011

grace period?

Is there a rule about how long one should wait between posting? If so, prepare yourself for my earth-shattering defiance. I am posting twice in one day within an hour. This blog is about to get crazy.

Anyways, the real reason why I'm writing again so soon is a little phenomenon I like to call "achievement high." I am an achievement junkie. In fact, I'm on an achievement bender as I type.

So what exactly does this "achievement high" entail? Funny you should ask, invisible internet audience, because I was just about to explain (hopefully without sounding like a freak [too late]).

I like to set deadlines for myself. 300-page book? I will finish 100 pages by dinner today. And when I do? HIGH. I have to keep going to prolong this thrill. So I keep reading until I remember that I haven't eaten all day and may pass out. But still. The high lives on. I fucking did something. I am a functioning member of society.

And then it just spirals out of control.

To do list? Put shit that I can very easily achieve/ shit I have already done on the list. BAM. CRAZY HIGH. I am an unstoppable force of nature that can do anything. I will do whatever it takes to keep this high going, even if it means writing "check email" on my list even though I do it anyways. I am a superhero.

But, all good things must come to an end. In this case, the end rears its nasty-ass head in the form of an "achievement comedown." At first, the comedown doesn't seem so bad. I couldn't finish something in the time I allotted for the task. Not a tragedy. I can keep going, right? Wrong. I panic (internally, because otherwise my friends [surprisingly, yes, I have friends] would think I am crazy, which they already do, but not to this extent) and then try to push through. But I get overwhelmed and have to do another task, then tell myself that the reason I didn't finish the first task was because I was distracted, which obviously is not true but I like to tell myself pretty little lies sometimes. And who doesn't? Just today, I assured myself that eating raw ramen noodles is totally acceptable behavior for an adult, considering how similar they taste to chips.

So yes, in short, I am prone to silent panic attacks. I ride these highs and sink with the lows. And now I've completely forgotten what I was doing. I should have written it down.


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